what the fuck? no, seriously. what. the. fuck. when is my life going to be mine? tomorrow? in a few years? never? i was almost at peace with the idea that what’s in the past is unchangeable and i was letting go. i was trying to fix my life in spite of those things and to forge a new present and future for myself. one that is in accordance with MY wishes, desires, and values. but will they let me? no. they’re doing their usual despicable emotional black mail: crying. “u don’t respect us.” yeah, cuz putting myself through 5 years at one of the most prestigious universities in canada and a year at one of the most prestigious universities in europe, all on my own, getting scholarships over scholarships, etc, no, that’s not enough. and then doing 2.5 years of a masters in diabetes research, that is pretty selfish, too, huh? i am a disgrace because i want to live my own life.
u know what, fuck you. i’m getting a job, moving out and never asking you for a piece of bread. i’d rather sell my body than ask for anything more from you fucking lot. you’ve never done anything but betray my trust and use me to fit your victim mentalities. and stupid me, i believed you, i always believed that it’s all my fault and that i was never good enough.
enough. finally, at 27, i am strong enough to stand up for myself and live the life i want. and it’s not even that extreme, that’s the funny part!
came across this: New Connections. very interesting take on creativity. i like this guy.
so after going through hell for 2 days, crying uncontrollably in the laundry room, locking myself up and crying some more, getting mad at my sister for being insensitive, getting defensive around my friend… after all of this i decided to listen to my best friend and talk to the guy. the moment i sent the message, i instantly felt relieved and at peace, quite the opposite to how i usually felt when i’d message him. but when i saw what he had to say, i started crying with relief. i didn’t think there was anything he could say to make me feel any better about being rejected, short of informing me it wasn’t actually a rejection;) anyways, his answer was mature and honest. it soother me and, in a way, confirmed to me that he’s worthy to actually be my friend. so here’s what was said:
I’m a bit confused about the way things went down on Friday… maybe you can help me understand how/if I’ve misinterpreted your behaviour towards me. Thing is, I’m not very good at this game, but I thought our connection was deeper than a rockstar-fan interaction I come out to see u guys play because I like fade chromatic. But I’ve found myself looking forward to your hugs. I’m not daydreaming of having your kids, but at the same time I’m just not a big fan of confusion. So please, let’s try an honesty game and let me know where you stand. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m chasing a fantasy. Am I asking for too much?
Of course, no problem. Absolutely not asking too much, thanks for sending the message to clear things up. I appreciate people being forthright.
I’m sorry if you’ve been confused, that was never my intention. I think you’re very cool, and a good person. However, I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you and would like to remain friends.
I think things probably got distorted because we started off with that date. I also tend to give people hugs, I came to sit in the middle of the table because where I was sitting before was kind of on the edge, etc. Anyways, again, I’m sorry if that became confusing, wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it could have happened. I’ll be more careful about that, sorry.
I really hope this isn’t sounding harsh or anything, I don’t want this to be a negative message because like I said, I think you’re cool and hopefully we can remain friends. But yes, that is how I feel.
P.S. Also, Naked and Famous on Thurs. I’ve started to put them on repeat already”
yay! now we can have those BBQ’s at each-other’s houses (we live within walking distance), have fondue, smiles, phone-calls, human contact, and honest feelings, no more hiding and interpreting. i just got a new awesome friend. i’m really happy!
what a fun weekend!!! yes, i am being sarcastic, even though i shouldn’t be. i mean, yes, i did a lot of fun stuff but i also got rejected by a guy i really liked. i’m sure nobody likes rejection, but fucking i HATE it! i just find it so humiliating to have made myself vulnerable to such a kid… i seem to have an uncanny ability to misinterpret ‘friendship’ cues and read more into them. yeah, cuz inviting me out to have drinks your friends after your concert is me reading into it. when you get to the bar late, you somehow manage to move everybody at the table around so that you can sit next to me. that was also me imagining it. was it because i asked you to kiss me and i didn’t let you make the first move? was it because i was drunk and you were sober? was it because you just don’t like me? or did you decide that we’d keep in contact for months after the initial rejection just so that you could get back at me for not wanting to sleep with you? newsflash, idiot, i didn’t sleep with you because i liked you! because i lose all respect for guys that put out on the first date. no, i know what it is. you just wanted to keep me around as a photographer for your band. what better way to get free pics?
i must be really hurt if it took three days for this to sink in.
the worst part about it, other than the fact that i really liked you, wanted to be around you and looked forward to every hug, the worst part is that it makes me feel like my ex is dumping me all over again. it just reminds me of the fact that i am not good enough to be loved. too crazy, too loud, too unladylike. too fat, too ugly, too insecure. it makes me want to be someone else, anybody but myself.
i’m so fucking lonely and scared. and so ashamed to admit that.
so it looks like i can scare the shit out of myself. last night, i found an old piece of writing that i had totally forgotten existed. i was really impressed by the timeless insight, i couldn’t even figure out WHEN it was written. it shook me so much that i had one of those never-ending nightmares: the ones where you wake-up panting and then when you finally calm down and go back to sleep, you have another nightmare! the first dream was that i had a third cat, that died:( i think i cried when i woke up. when i went back to sleep, i think i was still so shaken up that i had two other nightmares: in the first one my mom had died and then my sister. three separate terrifying dreams of loss. i’m too sleepy to try and figure out what this all means… other than the fact that my writing must be pretty powerful.
(oh yeah, i also forgot to take my anti-depressants, had coffee a few hours before bed AND had a stuffy nose, but yeah, my writing is powerful:P)
why do i want only the boys i can’t have? very simple: imagine a cute kitty. if u put a little toy in front of her she’s going to look at it, blink, look at you, blink again. now drag the toy around, as if you were taking it away and, voila! the kitty will swat at it an try to bury its sharp claws into the soft fabric of the toy.
so many pretty boys out there! but i only want the ones that awaken the hunter in me (i.e. the ones that run away).
my love-life is doomed.